As anyone who’s been to the office can attest, the main movers and shakers here at VN are basically your average Joe’s. A bit scruffy and unkempt from their hours of hard labor, sure, but reflecting accurately the passions and foibles of the population at large.
The main staff, of course, is composed of an atheist, a Buddhist, and a Jew. And when they walk into a bar- the things that happen are both amazing and joke-worthy.
Yet we refuse to be stereotyped! We are not your playthings! Stop laughing, damn you- or I’ll turn the cold, unfeeling light of public attention toward you. You and your dark closet filled with hypocrisy, yes hypocrisy, and the skeletal remains of your once youthful utopian dreams. I’ve looked.
No one likes being sent back to the closet.
Have you noticed the availability of “scientology celebrity centers” in your city?
This is the only faith that explicitly caters to the famous. I wonder if they consider the local TV weatherman a good score?
“Now that we control the weatherman, nothing can stop us, nothing and no one!”
At least you don’t get this from the Catholics. If they had a celebrity center, I suppose it would be sparsely filled with people waiting to become saints. Not a lot of noise, a humble crowd, for the most part. Occasionally a heretic.
That’s all I strive to be- occasionally heretical. Like a saint.
I heard on the news that scientists are training rats to run special mazes with instruments strapped to them.
The idea is that, in the future, rats can be used to look for people in rubble after disasters.
So there you are, trapped under cement and lumber and metal, bleeding, thirsty, and delirious...
And then the rats find you.
I have said it before and I will say it again:
“Man is not the only animal known to practice cannibalism. He is, however, the only animal capable of arranging it on a plate so it is pleasing to the eye.”
If your dog is feeling down, he may be suffering from clinical depression. Your vet can administer a simple test to determine your pets mental condition. Depending on your animals response to stimuli- usually in the form of ‘treats’- Your vet can prescribe the new doggie anti-depressants made available this week.
Be aware, however- these drugs are only available by your veterinarian’s prescription. This is important to discourage abuse by stray and wayward dogs.
Today’s outdoor tip: How to survive a meeting in the woods with a bear.
When meeting a bear in the woods for the first time, it is often best to simply surrender your picnic basket immediately and without a fight. Your outdoor skills will be no match for the bear’s natural cunning and woodland know-how. It is also considered best by most nature authorities not to challenge the bear to any games of strategy or eye/hand coordination.
Mother-bating (i.e.: your mother is so dumb she can’t tell honey from shit) is also considered both rude and inappropriate by today’s wilderness standards.
BY NO MEANS SHOULD YOU ANGER THE BEAR.
If you find that the contents of you picnic basket do not satiate the bear, and you are challenged to further confrontation, it is then often best to pull out a badge and cap and declare yourself a deputy park ranger. Most bears harbor an innate respect for representatives of the federal forest agency.
In this way, we hope you will be properly prepared to survive your first encounter with a wild bear.
When I was a kid, it always amazed me when watching old episodes of “Perry Mason” that the prosecution always persisted in going after his clients. After all, they were always innocent.
This was when I was young and unworldly, before I realized that if you wanted to see a real criminal you looked at a judge, cop, prosecutor, or politician. These are the ones who never follow the rules of ethics or law that purport to stand for.
But as a kid, Perry Mason just confounds your sense of logic. After a few years you'd think they'd say: “Fuck it, it's Mason, let his client go.” But these people didn’t learn.
Somehow, back in the fifties, the writers of Perry Mason were trying to tell us something important and ahead of their time. But many people still don’t get it.
The police on the show were represented by Detective Trag, the prosecution by Hamilton Burger. These were interesting guys- they seemed more interested in getting Perry Mason in trouble than finding the truth. They were very modern in this regard, showing the true respect the police & the state hold for truth, justice, and public welfare. You know that if Perry Mason had been Jesus Christ, they would have been just as hard nosed. “That wine was material evidence in a murder case, and not only did you change it back into water, you brought the victim back to life. One day... one day, Jesus, I'll get you!”
Find a need and fill it.
America encourages the weirdest businesses ever. If you look in the yellow pages you’ll find companies that do nothing but go to other companies and shred their “sensitive” paperwork because, well, they’re doing something so evil they just can’t trust their own people with that sort of thing...
They’ll even give you a certificate of destruction. That will come in handy in court later if the paperwork surfaces. “This evidence is inadmissable, look, we have a legal certificate of destruction; it doesn’t exist.” Then the judge will let them go.
Once you agree to pay a company to look at your employees urine, you signal that you’re willing to pay for anything.
Depression is an epidemic. Western medicine defines “the depressed” as those suffering from a “lack of desire.”
Buddhism teaches that life is suffering, that suffering is caused by desire, therefore in order to stop suffering you must quell your desire.
If you have a “lack of desire” in a Buddhist culture you are “enlightened.” Meanwhile, in the west, you’re just sick. Sorry.
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