By Frank Nault
This mail-(or is it male?)-order bride discussion intrigued me so I thought I'd give it a try.
I procured a catalog from a reputable dealer, Sears, and proceeded to browse through it.
I found many women to my liking but narrowed it down to three. I couldn't decide, so I thought, "What the heck, I'll take all three."
I called in my order:
ME: Hello Sears, I'd like to order two from page 14 and one from page 37.
CLERK: Very good sir. We'll have your order shipped out tomorrow.
ME: Great!
CLERK: What size would you like?
ME (excitedly): They come in different sizes?
CLERK: Uh, yes. And colors too.
ME (barely able to control myself): Wow! Hmmm. I'll take them just the way they look in the catalog. How much more would it be if you also include the outfits they're wearing?
CLERK: Excuse me, sir?
ME (impatiently): What's the problem? I want the women and the outfits they're wearing, can't you handle that?
CLERK (chuckling): Oh, sir! We can't sell you the outfits AND the models!
ME: Do you mean the models and the outfits are separate?
CLERK: Yes, of course.
ME: OK then, just send me the women, keep the outfits.
CLERK (sternly): Sir, I don't know what you think we are, but we are a department store dealing in legitimate merchandise.
ME (contritely): Um, uh, I knew that.
CLERK: Now, do you want what you ordered or was this just an infantile joke?
ME (embarrassed): Oh no! As I said two from page 14 and one from page 37.
CLERK (tersely): Thank you sir. Will that be COD or charge?
ME (in a low murmur): Charge.....
Well, two days later I'm the proud owner of a bra and two pieces of lingerie and I guess I still don't understand this mail-order bride stuff.
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