Thank you for your kind interest in Vision? Nary! magazine.
Many readers do not have firsthand knowledge about the publishing game, so allow me to fill you in on some of the specifics.
Each issue is carefully vine-ripened and handpicked before they are gathered together and shipped in bundles to local pubs, eateries, organic rose bush depositories, and other social gathering places.
Rest assured, each issue constitutes the labor and sweat of a multitude of ill-paid and worse treated employees toiling away in sweatshop-style work camps. Absent corporate “cubicles” our writers are led to believe that they are free and producing at will in an open environment. Nothing could be further from the truth. We constantly spy on each and every contributor, utilizing informants, audio bugging, cameras, and two-way mirrors. When deadlines are missed we resort to punitive physical punishment, sometimes mischaracterized by “human rights observers” as “torture.” This is what allows the magazine to keep coming out at those low, low prices to which you've become accustomed.
As of late we've developed some difficulties with our production team. As you may have noticed, the last issue, in addition to being rather skimpy, suffered from certain irregularities. In particular, each issue was slightly different- while one copy called for an armed revolution immediately- the one directly underneath it advised people to be happy in their slavery, and the next gave instructions on how to build a hot tub deck. And so it was from bundled a bundle, outlet to outlet.
You will no doubt be happy to hear that we've taken measures to rectify this situation now- before it becomes worse. As Roy Kroc, founder of McDonalds, said many times, “No deviation from the standard is acceptable.” Already our office is awash in random beatings, firings, threats of layoff, and the like. We have even applied to have our local taxes subsidized through an increase in utility bills to the rest of the community, just like other respected corporate neighbors like RJ Reynolds/Nabisco/Miller and Wal-Mart do already all over this great nation.
Regardless of the outcome of this ploy, we eventually intend to move all our operations overseas to save on overhead.
Therefore, be at ease. The next issue will come to you soon at the same bargain price to which you have become accustomed.
Yours in servitude,
VN ombudsman