“A coward dies a thousand deaths; A hero dies but one.” So said William Shakespeare, and like much of his timeless writing, it holds more or less true today. But Shakespeare could have never foreseen that one advance of humanity that renders his quote null and void: The creation of the video game. In 2001 alone, video game heroes died a grand total of 275 trillion deaths worldwide. That’s more than 45,833.33 times the world’s population. This year, many experts estimate that five heroes die every second. Here at Absolution International, we’ve set up a special division for the sole purpose of raising awarenes about the plight of these tortured souls, with the ultimate goal of ending their suffering and creating more forgiving conditions in which they may save the world. With the help of Red Cross teams, our correspondents have been able to make contact with some of these heroes, allowing them to tell their stories in their own words. One veteran soldier of the video age who declined to use his real name had this to say about his life thus far: “It’s-a horrible!” Plucked from a small village at the tender age of 3 by a platoon of fleeing Japanese soldiers during World War II, “Alfredo” was originally intended for use as a hostage, ultimately to be released. Upon arriving in Japan, however, he drew the attention of a sinister playing-card company looking for “the next big thing.” “They trained-a me for about-a 30 years-a to use a sledge-a-hammer and fight-a giant apes-a,” Alfredo said. During this time, he said, he was kept in squalid conditions.In 1974, he made a daring escape to Italy, during which time he formed a meaningful relationship with a woman named Pauline. “Ah, sweet-a Pauline-a. She was-a the only thing-a that kept-a me happy in this-a cold-a world-a. But then-a they found-a me!” Alfredo said. “They-a took-a me to this-a big-a room-a, with alla these-a platforms-a and ladders-a,” said Alfredo. “Then this-a new guy, I think-a his name-a was Shigeru, laugh-a and tell-a me we were going-a to play a game-a. “That’s-a when I see-a her; up-a at the toppa the plat-a-formas is Pauline-a, and she’s-a in-a the clutches-a of this-a giant ape-a! I scream-a her name, and-a this Shigeru guy-a, he LAUGH-A! At-a me, [Alfredo]!” Alfredo’s tale ends dismally. He was made to try and rescue Pauline, but failed, dying over and over again. Every time he actually made it close enough to touch her and defeat the gorilla, she was taken away and placed in the clutches of another ape. “After they-a took Pauline-a away from-a me, I don’t have-a anything-a else-a to live-a for. So ever since-a the early ’80s-a, I’ve-a let them-a put-a me in-a alla these-a goddamn video games-a. And I die-a. Over and over again-a. It’s-a horrible! It’s-a horrible! I WET-A THE BED-A AT NIGHT-A!” Alfredo’s tale is one repeated all over the world, shared by high-profile figures such as Solid Snake (who observers estimate has been shot, stabbed, drowned, tortured and blown up 5.3 billion times since the 1987 release of “Metal Gear“) and blue-collar heroes such as the tank pilot from “Space Invaders” (who is in fact the 73rd pilot the game has had, and who will be replaced by another pilot when he inevitably loses his sanity). How did it get so bad, you may ask? The video game started out innocently enough: Two lines bounced a ball back and forth. Nobody got hurt, and everyone had fun. From there, however, the video game took a sinister turn: Donkey Kong. Defender. Dig Dug. Innocent heroes were released into an arena, forced to fight and die over and over again for the pleasure of brutish children. Suddenly, it wasn’t just about fun and games anymore. The harmless fun of Pong had been parlayed into a vicious bloodsport. Many heroes are lured into the industry by sleazy, back-alley “developers” with promises of riches and fame, but are often uninformed of the fact that starring in a video game brings a certainty of dying, over and over again, in an undending purgatory. Even eventual retirement holds no shelter for these unfortunates. “Year in and year out, I fought Count Dracula,” said video-game retiree and bullwhip enthusiast Simon Belmont. “Over and over again. I mean, who the hell else was gonna do it? That punk Van Helsing? And year in and year out, I died. Horribly. I got turned to stone by flying Medusa heads, I got smashed by spike presses, and even when I finally beat up on [Count] Vlad [Dracula], he’d just turn into a demon and whup my ass something fierce. “But you know what? I did it, because it was my job and I had to feed my kids somehow. And I worked at it for about five good years, until my back gave out from all the dyin’ and whip-crackin’. And then they hand it over to these new kids, like this Richter and this Juste, and they seem to like it. They take it like it’s some kind of extreme sports, like the wind-boarding and the roller-surfing or whatever it is these kids are up to these days. “But they’ll figure it out soon enough, when they’ve died a few hundred million times and they get to where I am. Then they find out you don’t get off easy in this business. You’d think nobody would play my games anymore, but nooo. Every so often, some nostalgia buff with an emulator boots up one of my old games, and then I’ve gotta go fight Dracula again. And he’s always surprised to see me there. I still play cards with him sometimes, you know. He’ll say, ‘Oh, vhat are you doink here agayn? I thought you vere retired.’ And then he kicks my ass. “Do you know what that’s like? To have to fight the forces of evil at my age? Do you think this is my hair? Do you think these are MY TEETH!?” At Absolution International, we are certain of only one thing: This treatment of our valiant video-game heroes must end, and soon. Already our volunteers have moved into the field, coordinating with Red Cross chapters to set up temporary “safe points” at which heroes can seek sanctuary. Already, Absolution International has begun lobbying video game publishers to end their cruel treatment of heroes. But we need more people if we are to succeed in our efforts. With your help and support, we are confident that we can bring peace to these shattered lives. For more information, contact the Absolution International chapter nearest you. And for God’s sake, stop playing those video games. Innocent lives are at stake.