Getting the Jack

Fast Food establishments spread ubiquitously across the American landscape and with missionary zeal into the rest of the world. They purport to offer comfort in restaurants that are alike the world over; offering not just the same menu, but the same decor and atmosphere.

Jack in the Box, the young kid on the corporate block, claims to offer the widest menu available in the world of drive-up fast food. Their TV commercials show Jack, a man with a large round white head, a pointy nose and hat, and a painted-on smile, while he goes about his daily business of managing a pro sports team, leisurely taking in Europe, and blowing up a large office building- all the while talking about fried foods and burgers.

As an aid to those of our readers who are harried for time, constantly rushing to and fro, from home to school, to work, or the convenience store for this nation's approved drugs, or perhaps all of the above, we offer the following restaurant reviews.

Jack in the Box, Lacey, WA
I pulled up to the window and the speaker crackled into life, "Thank you for choosing Jack in the Box, May I interest you in a mhunmnah today?"
(I tuned out for a second as I scanned the menu.)
"Hi, this is Jack, and I'd like some spaghetti with marinara sauce."
"I'm sorry, we don't carry spaghetti."
"Oh. I was under the impression that you had the largest drive through menu in the world. I figured that was an easy and fast economical dish, so I took it for granted. What do you have that's Italian?"
(long pause)
"We have Italian Dressing, in little packets."
"I'll have that. And an Orange Soda."
My meal failed to satisfy. I immediately headed to my second destination.

Jack in the Box, Downtown Olympia, WA
As I pulled up to the drive in there was some action at the rear-side of the building. A man in a clown suit had just painted some graffiti on the Jack that was composed of a few symbolic images I could not identify and the message, "Micky D is E. Coli free, Can dirty Jack claim this same damn thing?" As I neared the speaker box he had finished his job and bolted to a waiting car, the driver of which was an inordinately large purple fellow. The squealing of tires drowned out the standard greeting from the speaker box.
I ordered their signature meal, the "Jumbo" Jack.
"Would you like Jack Sauce on that," asked the voice.
"Is that something a lot of people order?"
"Some."
I declined. I found the sandwich to be of regular size and typical of other sandwiches at other establishments. Its individuality failed to impress.

Jack in the Box, West Olympia, WA
This outlet was very busy, located as it was by a busy freeway and with little in the way of close competition.
As I neared it, a black sedan with a picture of a little girl in pigtails affixed to both sides roared past, and a hail of bullets was sprayed recklessly across the building. The gunman was an older man, grey hair, glasses. The driver, a woman in her 20's with pigtails.
I'd seen this shit go down before at an Arbys, and I don't like glass in my food. Besides, I make it a policy never to speak to the police, who were almost sure to show up at some point.
I drove right on by.

Jack in the Box, Lakewood, WA
I ordered another "Jumbo" Jack. For comparative purposes I asked for the "Jack Sauce" this time.
I pulled up to the service window and was handed a bag by an employee decked out in the standard dark blue Jack uniform. He gave me a wink and a nod, took my money, and I was off.
The bag turned out to be stuffed with empty paper wrappers. At the bottom was a vial of what appeared to be sugar crystals.
My hunger still persistent, I drove on.

Jack in the Box, Downtown Tacoma, WA
Broke, hungry, and nearly out of gas, I parked in the lot and headed for the door. It was time to check out the decor and ambiance of the Jack. To see it as the vehicularly challenged do.

Out on the sidewalk I noticed an elderly gentleman in a white suit standing with a picket sign that read, "Jack doesn't do chicken right." I waved as I entered the Jack, and the old man gave me the finger. Curmudgeon.

Inside, the store was a gleaming parody of form and function. Everything was plastic, and everything was designed to give the appearance of cleanliness; even when it had not been wiped down, and was, in fact, sticky.

I ordered chicken breast pieces with hot sauce. I waited patiently as fifteen drive through customers in pickups and SUVs were served before me. At long last, food in hand, I made for a far table. When I picked up the first chunk of chicken, I heard rapid angry beating against the store window. Fearing another drive-by, I crouched and turned; only to see that it was the elderly gentleman in the white suit and goatee, beating against the window and wildly pointing at his sign. Soon, two uniformed Jack employees drug him out of sight and out of mind.
Only slightly shaken, I finished my meal. As I looked down at the garbage on the tray, I reflected on all I had been through on my journey. I gave some thought to my funds and current personal situation. As despicable as the notion was to me, I decided to ask about employment opportunities at the Jack, fearing this story may be rejected, like the one I wrote earlier about Bill Gates' strange sexual obsession with Geese, for fear of "alienating" a potential advertiser. Media is the same everywhere.

After a short wait, who should come out to interview me but the man himself, Jack. Spotless in his attire, his smile permanently static as his head bobbed slightly side to side and up and down.
"Ah," said Jack, "I see that you are interested in joining our team." He looked down at the application, "Jack."
I could read nothing in his face. Absolutely nothing.
"So, what's the pay rate?"
"We start you out at minimum wage," he said, in a very upbeat voice, "but after a year you might get a 25 cent raise. If you're good."
"Good as in fast, or good as in subservient?"
"Hey, we like 'em both here. We're equal opportunity."
"But the benefits, the benefits are good? Right?"
"Oh, yeah- only the best. We give a 20 percent discount good at any Jack. That's anywhere. That's a deal."
"How about health?"
"Yes, of course. You'll have to get a state health card. At your own expense. But hey, that's the state talking- can't wait to get them off my back."
"No, I mean what about health care benefits?"
"You'll have to stay healthy, of course. I mean, we work with the public."
"So you have no health care benefits?"
"Far be it from us to intrude on your private life. Respect for privacy, that's what the Jack is about. Could you please fill this cup?"
"How about retirement?"
"We are proud to hire the elderly."
"So you have no retirement?"
"What would you do with your time?"
"Starve I guess."
"Starve? No way. Employee discount buddy. Long as you work."
"401k?"
"I'm OK, you're OK."
"You're really OK. I've been to the web site and looked at your prospectus."
"We are pleased with our exponential growth."
"Record profits from what I've read."
"I do OK."
"Modest. But no living wage, retirement, or health care?"
"Hey, that would come out of my pocket, baby. You're talking food out of the mouths of my family. I have two little heads at home."
"I bet you even make a profit on those discounted employee meals."
"Profit's the game and I am the gamemaster."
"What's the union have to say about all this?"
"Who?"
"Union."
At this point, Jack slapped me in the face- hard. Then he let out the dogs. I barely made it to the car with my appendages intact.
"You'll be back," Jack shouted as I ran. "They always come back. In the end, I'll own you. Remember!"
I made it to the open road and never looked back.