Once upon a time on 42nd St, there lived an old man named Don Calzone.
Now the Don, as He preferred to be called, was the ruler of the Land Between 42nd and 50th Street, and he had problems. His family was always gettin’ into trouble, knocking over things and messing ‘round with the King’s goats; but all he wanted to do was sell his special interest items to people throughout the Realm. To his chagrin, there was a couple other family business ‘round town, that sold the same things, and this was cutting into his profits.
Within Don’s family, there was two boys, “Fast Fingers” Frank, and Joey A, who just got back from a stay in the King’s special tower, where naughty boys go to learn new trades, like stamping plaques for buggies.
Well, Don was not happy with the two boys. He was afraid they told the King what he was doing for business. The King didn’t like other people doing business without the King’s consent and that taxes should be paid on all sales. Don knew that he had to teach the boys a thing or two.
“Boys,” Don said, “look here, I am not a happy man. You have disgraced me and the rest of the family by your actions, and I need to teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget.” He instructed Anthony, the Don’s driver, to take the boys cross town and leave ‘em in the Land Down by the Docks.
The boys was scared, they never been to the Land Down by the Docks, but heard stories bout the rulers of that land being nasty and making people talk long walks off short piers and such.
Now the Don, being a smart man, had many plans at once going through his head. He knew the ruler of the Land Down by the Docks, Don Spinelli, a cranky old gruff, wouldn’t like the boys wandering round without his permission. Spinelli was also givin’ problems to the Don, gettin’ in his way for better profits. He hoped that the boys would run into Spinelli, and they would knock each other off. Two birds with one stone, eh what?
Wandering through the alley ways in the Land Down by the Docks, the boys were feelin’ hungry and scared. They started smellin’ pasta in the air, and headed towards its direction. They came ‘cross a big tin warehouse, and crept inside. Don Spinelli was inside cookin’ up a big batch of linguini alfredo for his family.
Frank got an idea, to get back in the good graces of their Don, they should knock off Spinelli. So Joey snuck over, and when Spinelli weren’t lookin’ turned up the heat to the big boiling pot. Frank jumped out and shouted, “Ey, screw face, kiss da ground, we’s taking over the Land Down by the Docks, see!” With Spinelli distracted, Joey grabbed a burning stick from the fire, and was goin’ to whack Spinelli with it, but Spinelli was faster and stronger.
Don Spinelli pushed Joey into the big pot, which spilled over. Now what Joey didn’t know was that Spinelli’s Momma always taught him to put plenty of oil in the water when cookin’ pasta. Well, when the oil hit the fire, a huge ball of flame erupted, causing the whole building to catch fire, and being that the building was made out of tin, it turned like unto a big oven.
Frank took his chance. He ran towards Spinelli and shoved him into the flames. The flames embraced Spinelli’s obese body, and roasted him like a goose. Joey got up and looked about to find an exit, but the eruption caused the roof to collapse, blocking the doorways.
Friends, the boys thought their numbers was up. The heat inside the tin shed was unbearable. They hoped that somebody would rescue them.
Don Calzone, having a change of heart, went to the Land Down by the Docks to look for the two boys. When he arrived at Don Spinelli’s warehouse, and saw it ablaze, he knew that the boys was inside and he should try to get ‘em out. He told Anthony to drive into the wall and smash in an opening.
With a gigantic crash, the buggy plowed into the door, rippin’ a hole into it. Don jumped in and smiled when he saw the two boys, and the charred body of Don Spinelli. “Come on boys, let’s get the heck out a dis here flamin’ pile.”
Back at Don Calzone’s house, the boys got cleaned up. Don was proud of them for the good job they done pulled. He told ‘em they would get a nice bonus and a bigger cut of the profits from the various rackets.
And they all lived on, happily ever after.
So, what’s the moral of this here story? Dishonoring a man named Don is a bad thing, but torching his enemies can bring you redemption and a bigger cut of the pie.