by David Raffin
It’s hard being independent media whores these days, what with only three companies putting out everything that’s available for you to see, hear, or smell. Even most “alternative papers” seem to be written like they’re put out by your mom’s friends who’re trying, really hard, to be “cool.”
Oh, for the days people would zerox and staple their pages together, with feeling- like they really meant it, and then use those same office supplies to staple their own faces.
Oh, those heady days of youth.
Here at Last Bastion Productions, the corpo-global arm of Vision? Nary! magazine, we’ve stocked up on food, water, and ammunition; and we’re willing to hold the fort and wait it out until it’s safer not to be dull again.
We’re not afraid to fly the banner for a long time. Our ad salesman is sitting in the corner right now singing l’Internationale, and if anyone tries to stop him he’ll sing We shall Overcome, then scream “I have a dream you bastards,” and club them in the head. It won’t be the first time.
If we have to, we’ll take up cryogenics, baby.
We know, we know, cryogenics is a flawed science. That didn’t stop Walt Disney.
I know you’re not going to sit there and argue with Walt’s Logic. No one ever has, not since what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
But I will. It’s my way.
The problem with cryogenics is that cells are filled with water, old H2O, aqua, and you know what happens to a container filled to the brim that you put in the freezer and forget about. BLAMMO!
So, when you freeze biological cells it turns them into a kind of custard-style mush. The downside of cryogenics then, is that in addition to thawing you out and fixing anything that was wrong with you before you were frozen, doctors in the future would also have to be able to repair the massive cell damage that occurred as a result of the freezing process.
That lingering doubt, as well as the great expense, perhaps, is what keeps people from going whole hog on the freezer-envy bandwagon. Some people just freeze their heads. It’s cheaper. And it won’t be for naught. A hundred years from now we’ll find out those heads are delicious.
Birdseye did not invent this process for nothing, friends.
It’s OK. We are still fervent in the belief that our scientists can lick any problem.
As all religions go, this is a blind faith; but we can see nothing wrong with that.
So, as I say, our scientists will lick anything.
If you get to know them, you’ll find scientists will do anything for science. They’re like the biggest sluts you’ve ever known- male or female.
“I’m going to boil this goldfish in it’s own bowl... for science,” they’ll say, with a lilt of a giggle that reminds you more than a little of Peter Lorre.
The only time scientists are happier than when they’re cutting things in half, is when they’re cutting things in thirds, or better still, fourths.
Most scientists are excellent cooks.
I should probably point out somewhere here that I don’t go out of my way to offend people. People are just really easily offended.
Maybe it has something to do with their DNA. My personal theory is that it has something to do with their cultural upbringing .
These are, after all, the same people who segment themselves into Democrats & Republicans: the mental equivalent of choosing between a hamburger or a cheeseburger. If you ask for fish they will look at you funny. If you order a salad they may kill you.
It has always made everything better to realize that Highbrow and Lowbrow together = Unibrow.
I am waiting for the ultimate product merger; the guilty pleasure of the 21st century: Copenhaagendas, tobacco flavored ice cream. Now, at last, an ice cream that is truly addictive.
It will also make you spit.
Perry White Rides Again...
Could it be construed as sexual harassment if you say, “You, Naked, My Office, Noon?”
What if you were a porno producer or a nude dance-bar owner?
Could that be considered constraint of trade?
These are the questions that keep me up at night. And unemployed.
Perry White used to say that a lot to Lois Lane in the old Superman show, if I recall correctly... but those were different days, ruled by different codes of conduct.
As different as tomorrow will seem from today.
I see conservative extremist Osama Bin Laden is causing trouble again.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he should stick to his job as a panelist on the McLaughlin Group and stay out of politics.
There’s a lot of uproar about profiling, but very few people actually understand the science behind it.
It works like this: commie; ne’er-do-well; bum; Nig-- um, that is, suspect...
The international brotherhood of police is far more international than people think.
In China people deal with the same old thing: “What are you doing out in Tiananmen Square this time of night, boy? Looks like you got a broken taillight there. I think I’m going to have to run over you with a tank.”
There are subtle regional differences wherever you go.
Seattle- Tear gas & other gasses.
China- Run you over with a tank.
Same crime- Loitering and gathering without a permit.
There are two things cops don’t like: large groups and loners. And they’re not to keen on gatherings of two and three either. Might be planning something.
“Why aren’t you at home watching TV?”
Firemen must have a chip on their shoulder. Always there when you need them, running into burning buildings, cops get all the TV shows and movies. All the politicians are crazy for more cops.
You see a fireman and ask, “Trouble mister fireman?”
He says, “Yes, big fire. Please hold this hose.”
You see a cop and say, “Trouble officer?”
And he says, “You lookin’ for trouble, boy? I got some trouble for you. Move it along.”
That’s why everyone loves a fireman.
Traditionally, I hate sports.
But I love Tanya Harding. And John McEnroe. I love when tennis rackets fly through the air. Love it.
I’d love to see two competitors face off on the field of honor and then, suddenly, one of them screams, “Why did you rape my mother!?”
Why are there no cards for that?
The supermarket has a card aisle a mile long and there are no cards like that.
“Sorry I raped your mother. Happy Arbor Day. Here’s a tree.”
“Sorry we jacked up your power rates 2000% It was just business. You understand.”
I wish we had millennial fever ever year. I wonder if people got all excited at the millennium and a half. “It’ll be like 500! It’ll be the end of civilization. We have to climb a mountain and prepare.”
Then there would be that one goofy guy in the corner ranting, “Idiots! It’s not the millennium and a half until 1501.”
I want a Jesus action figure with Kung Fu Grip.
I remember looking through some workbooks from a Christian school. Jesus was in all of them.
I was confused at first. I mean what was Jesus doing in all these schoolbooks?
Where did he find the time?
Ethics. Geography. Music. English. Spelling. I guess the one that really threw me was the math book.
At first I couldn’t figure out what Jesus was doing in there. Still, there he was. Decked out in the same white robe he wore in all the other books.
Then I figured it out. They were using him as a pointer.
“Jesus says the answer is 48.”