Militias have been getting a lot of publicity lately, it seems that since the explosion in Oklahoma City the public just can't get enough information about these rather well-armed "patriotic" groups. Well, this reporter thought that it might be interesting to follow around a militia man for a single day (I would have hung around longer, but quite frankly this guy scared me). We'll be calling him 'Dieter,' he asked that we not use his real name as "the government is out to get me." I'm a little ashamed to say that after my time with him I called the ATF and let them know where he was, thus taking myself out of the role of an objective journalist. Oh well... he was a fruitcake. 'Dieter' is a large man; he only stands five feet six inches but weighs approximately three hundred and forty pounds. He wears camouflaged fatigues most of the day, and smells really bad. In his living room you can find a large number of Bibles, several flags hanging on his walls, an autographed picture of Newt Gingrich, and a first edition copy of "Mein Kampf." The day starts at 10:00 AM 'Dieter' had set his clock for 5:30 in the morning, but hit the snooze alarm so many times that it's surprising that the thing still works. Breakfast consists of a half dozen eggs, ten or twelve strips of bacon, and a stack of pancakes covered in butter and maple syrup. 'Dieter' says that this helps keep him in "fighting condition." Breakfast finishes up around 11:00 AM and 'Dieter' starts to prepare for the day. "It's a big night," he says, "all us boys from the militia is gonna get together at the Grange Hall tonight. We's gotta get ready for the time when the gov'ment comes busting in an' tries an' take aways our guns thus violating our rights which is protected by the Constitution." As noon rolls around 'Dieter' hops into his pickup and heads to his neighbor's house for some target practice, "I'm a pretty good shot," he says with a smile that quite frankly spooked me. "Target practice" consists of 'Dieter' and his neighbor 'Joe' shooting at cans with an AK-47 semi-automatic and drinking bottles of beer. "It's a hunting rifle," says 'Joe.' "When you tag a deer with one of these babies, it don't get up. As a matter of fact, usually there's not much cleaning needed eitherÉ actually you're lucky if there's a head left." As the day rolls on, 'Dieter' and 'Joe' continue their escapades while getting increasingly intoxicated; at one point they offer to show me how accurate they are with a gun by inviting me to put an apple on my head and stand with my back to a tree. Needless to say, I declined. During a reloading break I took the opportunity to ask 'Joe' a few questions. The first thing I asked was if he thought that with the current proliferation of weapons and ammunition designed specifically to kill (Teflon coated bullets, plastic guns, etc.) if it was possible that the anti-gun lobbies could have at least some justification for their ongoing struggle with the NRA. 'Joe' looked at me for several moments as if deep in thought, then he stroked the barrel of the AK-47 and said, "nope." All attempts to get him to elaborate failed; but I didn't get this job by giving up, I decided to try again. I asked 'Joe' if he thought, like many gun lovers do, that perhaps The Brady Bill went too far in its attempts to stop crime by initiating both a background check and a waiting period. 'Joe' said, "yup." I gave up. I know that it's useless to beat a dead horse. Around 5:00 PM the boys both hopped into 'Dieter's' truck and headed for the Grange Hall. With the driver's drunken state, the vehicle swerves across the dividing line more than once; fortunately there's little chance of being pulled over since it also turns out that 'Joe' happens to be the Chief of Police. It took just under fifteen minutes to get to our destination, unfortunately on the way several small animals lost their lives underneath the cruel wheels of 'Dieter's' truck. Driving slowly behind them I would every once in the while hear someone yell "Score!" Arriving at the Grange Hall we find a surprising number of vehicles with bumper stickers with such phrases as, "If it ain't country, it ain't music," and "The South's gonna rise again." Inside the hall, the turnout is less than expected. "I knew we shouldn't have held our meeting on the same night as the Klan rally," grumbles 'Dieter,' "most of the folks that would regularly show up went over to that. Hell, I damn near went myself since they tend to have a better buffet selection. Oh well, my sheets are in the laundry anyway." The meeting was rather redundant, the only real excitement came about twenty minutes into the whole thing when the local law arrived and proceeded to surround the place with guns drawn. "Boy, is 'Joe' gonna be pissed about this," said 'Dieter' with a snicker. An understatement. 'Joe' was extremely annoyed, he went running outside and royally chewed out the Deputy in charge. Those of us watching could tell that the deputy was more than a little chagrined about the situation. It turns out that a local resident had called the police station to complain about drunken gun-toting rowdies. "I don't know what I was thinking," said the deputy later, "I guess I'm just lucky that the Mayor was at the Klan rally, otherwise I'd be in a real heap of shit. I don't have to worry about the Chief 'cause he owes me; see I once overlooked a 'domestic disturbance' that he was involved in." When asked if he and the other officers were going to continue their search for the "gun-toting rowdies" the Deputy looked at me slyly and said with a wink, "oh I don't think that we need to worry about that. Now where's the liquor?" After that, the redundancy continued, it seemed as if every speaker droned on about the same basic theme of not trusting the liberal government and press. Every single speaker invoked God at one point or another letting us know that he was on their side. God could not be reached for comment. As the meeting wound up, everyone was invited to go over to 'Joe's' for a barbecue claiming that it would be a "hoot." I said "thanks, but no thanks." A reporters commitments go only so far.