Welcome to the first Web issue of Vision? Nary! the magazine that curves your spine, beats down your spirit, and makes you mistrust authority.
A lot has happened since the last issue- so we had best get started.
We had a hard drive crash. This was quickly followed by some flooding (we were fools to install indoor plumbing in the office- when will we learn). This led to our amazing discovery. A few of you must know where this is leading.
Picture it- there we were, soaking wet, surrounded by electrical equipment that was getting damn near sentient. You could smell trouble in the air. We disregarded it.
Instead, we went about breaking the monotony by dialing up random 800 numbers on the office phone.
We hit the jackpot with 1-800-244-3668.
That's right, we called 1-800-BIGFOOT.
It was like seeing God. None of us thought that it would go through, and if it did, that we would be speaking to a representative for Club International, or The Hair Club For Men, or some sleazy vinyl siding salesman. No one, NO ONE, thought that we would reach an enclave of scientists working around the clock to prove the existence of Bigfoot.
We got an answering machine.
(It should be clarified here that they weren't sleeping- they were out in the field, as Bigfoot is a creature of the night.)
I left a message, saying that I was a journalist, and requested some information on their group.
Two days later the package came.
Across the front of the envelope was a footprint, and in the top left corner was the official logo of the Bigfoot Research Project (a circle with a bigfoot silhouette in the middle)- this was obviously an organization that proclaimed its purpose loudly and for all to see.
Inside they offered up an informative pamphlet for my further edification.
I learned many things on that day. Bigfoot is a very clever creature- we know this because he has gone undetected for so long.
The following facts were made clear in the brochure.
1. Bigfoot is nocturnal, only partaking in daytime activity when disturbed.
2. Bigfoot is both tall and large, making buying off the rack a difficult proposition (thus explaining the full-body hair growth).
3. Bigfoot has keen senses.
4. Bigfoot is shy, indeed, awkward in social situations, thus keeping their population to a minimum. (I later learned that I went to high school with one and never noticed.)
Clearly, further study is needed.
Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA was, I believe, the first college in history to offer its students a class on Star Trek.
This last fall, Evergreen offered an intensive course on the much-loved sci-fi show. It was the talk of the campus when it was announced in spring quarter, many seniors giving serious thought to sticking around in order to take the impending class. Finally it would be decided in an intellectual forum- Shatner was the better captain.
A professor at the institution reportedly quipped, "This course will be just as relevant in the future as it is today."
A few months ago I read a story about a raging party. It seems that the neighbors were so upset by the noise that the guy next door was about to throw a grenade at the partiers, ceasing their senseless frivolity.
Well, that was the plan.
His wife, however, being of a more tolerant nature, tried to stop him. The grenade went off, thereby ending their argument.
Evidently, the party went on undisturbed.