by David Raffin
You can trust me, I'm your doctor. Well, everyone has to have a hobby: mine is the human mind. What makes people act the way they do? Moreover, how can you change behavior, and therefore change the world? How can you get people to do your bidding, and have them actually believe they acted of their own free will? That's right, I'm going into advertising.
I know what your thinking: advertising- a sin against mankind, or a legitimate profession?
It's not really as bad as you think. Although I know a good 90% of you picked "sin against mankind," you've got to consider this: It's better than some jobs. It's better than being a car salesman, a vinyl siding telemarketer, or a college administrator. Mind you, it is just below being a journalist, I accept that. After all, it is several steps above being a journalism instructor, the profession of the damned.
Besides, advertising doesn't work; even the subliminals, entertaining as they may be. They can't make you do anything that you wouldn't want to do anyway.
Case in point: Popcorn. Yes, you heard me right, I am talking about that hot, buttery, fluffy-looking substance that people seem to enjoy in great quantities at movie theaters. People buy it at the snack counter, even though it has become a purchase that you now have to mortgage your home to afford. In this modern day of multi-plexes and small city-states devoted to the showing of mainstream blockbusters, theatre owners credit popcorn sales with their sustained profit margins. It's a cruel world out there.
Who could blame them, when, years ago, they played around with subliminal advertising?
During an innocent-looking movie screening, the words, "buy popcorn" flashed on the screen. This was quickly followed by, "buy popcorn, now," and lastly, "you must buy popcorn." A funny thing happened- people bought popcorn. At the movies. Fathom it. The implications are obvious, or not.
Wouldn't most of these people have bought popcorn anyway? How many were sitting there afterwards saying, "why did I buy this? I hate popcorn. I wish I were dead."
Later experiments were banned by the US government. We will never get the answers to our numerous questions. What would have happened if they had said, "buy popcorn, swine?" would only the vacationing talking pigs from the circus have bought and consumed? If they had said, "Buy popcorn and kill the president," would they have gotten any respondents other than those who were already ready and willing? Unfortunately, we will never know.
As an aside, think about this- How many people in prison admit to having consumed popcorn at some time in their lives, before committing their criminal offense?
Face it, you called 1-900-LICKME2 because you're sick, deep down. It wasn't that glossy ad in the world-renowned Vision? Nary! (the finest magazine on the west coast, my editing notwithstanding- P.O. Box 944 Portland, OR 97207-0944 send $2). Don't try to blame me, it clearly states in the staff box that I'm not responsible. This is as it should be.
Similarly, it's your fault that you bought all those things off those late night infomercials. They didn't force you to buy the flowbee, the car wax, the thigh master, the 5-speed juicer, or that exotic lingerie and flavored massage oil package. You wanted that stuff. Don't try to blame the media. If you want to avoid watching all those ads, I suggest you watch PBS. Hurry though, because we don't know how much longer it will be with us.