I graduated high school ten years ago in San Antonio, Texas and am still recovering. I am much better now with the help of much intense psychotherapy and an endless supply of prozac.
I graduated in a class that consisted of well over eight hundred students - 98.9% of whom were all obsessed with football in some way, shape or form. It was a Dante's Inferno of sorts, to say the least. My own personal hell.
My ten year class reunion is coming up this May. Giving little thought to the matter, I’ve decided not to attend. I just can’t imagine being in a room full of people whom no doubt still emit that same destructive combination of arrogance and insecurity. People reflecting on their high school football and cheerleading days as the most important accomplishments of their lives; It would be too depressing - like a bad ‘80’s movie.
Instead of going, I’ve written a biography telling these people what I have done in the past ten years. I’d like to share it with you. Here it is:
My Ten Year High School Reunion Biography
Hey guys, sorry I couldn’t make it today. I am on an important assignment that unfortunately I found impossible to put off.
So what have all of you football-crazed republicans done with yourselves these past ten years? Wish I could be there to find out.
Me? Well, I actually completed college believe it or not. I got a late start, but finally graduated from Amherst University just last year. It was well worth the wait because I graduated with honors. Graduated in the top ten percent - go figure.
Unfortunately, my dreams of repossessing cars or becoming a bag lady in Europe didn’t quite pan out. Not to say that I never tried - the bag lady bit at least. In fact, I took a trip to Europe exactly one year after graduating high school. I arrived there virtually penniless. I spent the vast majority of my visit particularly in Amsterdam.
You would never believe the things people will pay you to do in that place.
I made an insane amount of cash in a profession that I both thoroughly enjoyed and proved successful at.
I ate and lived better than I have in my whole life. Had I known that I could make a living at something so ridiculously fun and easy, I never would have wasted all that time working for a credit union.
Eventually I moved back home. I saved some money, applied for scholarships, financial aid, and loans. I applied to universities and was accepted at several.
I decided on Amherst and after attending four years, I obtained two degrees- one in marine biology and one in anthropology.
What I do now is research either a particular culture or form of marine life, whichever I’m assigned. Then I write pieces for anthropological and science journals, based on my research.
Some of my former works on cultural studies include: “The Life and Times of the Walla Walla Bush People,” “The Incas- Where Are They Now,” and “The Secret Underworld of Pygmies.”
My last assignment was to study the Laquahili (pronounced Lak [upside-down e] h[e with a line above it] l [e with a line above it]) tribe, located in the northwestern African coastal region. My assignment, however, was cut short due to uncontainable circumstances. I fooled around with the leader of the Laqhahili tribe, whose members were already annoyed because I kept referring to them as a “tribe.” They prefer the more politically correct term- people of the Naquahili community.
The affair between me and Nikka-Nikka-Li-Li (pronounced Nikk [upside-down e]-Nikk [upside-down e]-L [e with a line above it]-L [e with a line above it]) really pushed them over. Especially his ten wives. They were slightly miffed. Needless to say, I beat it out of that village fast.
Apparently they have some pretty severe penalties against fooling around with their leader. They planned on tearing out each one of my toe nails and stripping away pieces of my flesh. I did not stick around to find out which pieces.
So I shared a quick not to mention unsatisfying farewell with King Nikka-Nikka-Li-Li. Oh... he isn’t really a king. That was just one of my little pet names for him.
Now I’m on assignment in the Caribbean studying a recently reported, unusual cluster of brine shrimp.
I am working on two chapters for a long overdue and necessary publication uncovering the mysteries of the brine shrimp, more commonly known as sea monkeys.
This will be my first published work on marine life.
My writing contributions to the journal will be indexed as: Sea Monkeys, Human Benefits of and Sea Monkeys, Ecological Impact of.
The actual title of the book and chapters within remain, as of yet, undecided.
Unfortunately, this demanding assignment presently prevents me from rehashing high school days of misspent youth with all of you.
Well I hope everyone is doing their dream, or at least found another. I will make every effort to attend our next reunion.
See you in ten years.
Susan Rudisill, Class of '91