Slowly at first, unclear an undefined, an amorphous awareness that soon gelled and crystallized. The awful blinding truth of it hit me full in the eyes like a bald headed woman standing in the sun.
You have no Potter in Residence. No staff Artiste D’Clay.
What daring! What boldness! I admire the audacity of it but it is your Achilles tendon. Without benefit of a potters perspective you cannot hope to be taken seriously, dare I say you may even suffer ridicule from your readers who will naturally assume that somewhere out there is a man or woman, hands slathered in slip or encrusted in clay, glaze running languidly down their arms as they shape and tease a glob of language into a column of interest to the art aficionado.
I’ve given this matter great consideration. Weighed the consequences and pondered the ramifications and without consideration for my own personal safety or welfare, decided that I must offer you my assistance in resolving this issue to the benefit and satisfaction of the general public. To allow this situation to fester and rot would be an affront to the sensibilities of every ceramicist who ever pinched a pot.
I am willing to avail my services to you under the following conditions:
I will accept no pay.
I will contribute nothing. ( I may be coerced periodically, into submitting brief missives on my life and times as a potter and creative spirit)
I will divulge none of the secrets of my craft as taught to me by the Master Potter I studied under in Japan… this is a sacred trust I will not dishonor).
I will not discuss matters of sensuality or sexuality with anyone underage and/or unfamiliar with the product Astrolube.
I steadfastly refuse to participate in lectures, conferences, fundraisers, or other gatherings of that nature unless there is free food and the opportunity exists for shameless self-promotion of my work.
I will not participate in orgies or group sex but will, upon request, critique well made video and still images of such activities if you conduct them safely.
I will not harm any living thing other than humans, and them only if they really deserve it.
That’s it. It’s that simple.
Talk quietly amongst yourselves now, debate the Pro’s and Con’s, consider the ramifications… should you decide to accept my offer, you needn’t do anything. Simply print this article and I will shoulder the mantle of responsibility of my position. I’ll even send you a link to my website for your perusal.
Should you decide to eschew my assistance, I cannot be held responsible for the consequences that may befall your literary endeavor, i.e.: sudden and severe drop in distribution, press malfunctions or subversive acts by malcontented readers.
I cannot be certain but you may have already angered the clay gods… time now to make restitution, time for bold and decisive action on your part to bring harmony and balance back into the universe. Choose wisely.
David
Olympia, WA
davidofolympia@hotmail.com