Have you found the perfect woman with luscious lips and voluptuous hips? Does she already have a restraining order? Barring her sudden descent into schizophrenia this guide is your salvation.
We’ve all come a long way from dressing as grandma waiting for Little Red Riding Hood (though the thrill lives on). Perhaps you’ve already had that first meeting all stalkers dream of. She looks at you. She slathers blackberry jelly on her naked upper thighs. You taste her sweetened skin and wonder who added sardines. If so, then send me your address so that I may smite you for your arrogance.
Otherwise, choosing your mate to be is the beginning of art. Stalking is simply the high school crush matured into adulthood. It logically follows that the same qualities women looked for in high school apply to later life. If they don’t change why should you? Objectification is the sincerest form of flattery. You must train your eyes to scan any woman’s measurements instantly. This is useful not only for sending anonymous lingerie but will provide endless hours of fun and accurate computer modeling. Don’t go easy on the opposite sex, they won’t settle for you so why should you settle for the lesser of them. A mind capable of depravities such as yours deserves more.
All refined people know true genius is born in a dark festering place. The most basic structure a wannabe stalker cannot live without is a well thought out and intricately architected dungeon. Lurking in a portapotty hole may have worked for our precursors but we’re above such things. Don’t squelch; install shackles, an iron maiden, a padded room crafted entirely from string cheese, and the much needed trophy room with formaldehyde tanks. Perhaps take it even farther, shower cams, “art” theatre, jelly bean collection and the Barbara Streisand room with life-size cutout.
Utilize the construction as an exercise in covering your tracks. Never hire the same contractor twice, everything should be divvied up and need to know. Especially when grandma comes downstairs wanting to offer your “friends” lemonade. Let the old bird peddle her wares someplace else.
Stalking is not only a valid life choice but a wise business decision. Those outside the loop call your new occupation Private Investigator. All the expenses you accrue both from your “interrogation room” and purchasing surveillance equipment are fully tax deductible. In fact some of the finest examples of unwarranted observation and harassment come from Uncle Sam or haven’t your heard of J. Edgar Hoover. In some stalker circles he’s still revered as God.
Your preparation does not end with the completion of your dungeon. Spend some quality time with yourself. I know it will be hard actively avoiding the object of your affection but stalking requires discipline, the discipline to back off as well as intensify things when the time comes (and it always does). This phase is perhaps the most vital to your developing fixation. Your imagination will cleanse away even the largest blemish on her physique leaving you with a mental picture of sheer perfection so disjointed with reality you will never find a way out of the stalking life-style. Which is fine because true stalkers live to stalk.
Develop and execute a comprehensive list of compulsive and repetitive activities related solely to her blessedness. Everything you do must belch obsession such that the miasma of your fixation overwhelms everything else. A good rule of thumb is you give all female mammals the creeps at thirty yards and make infants weep at ten.
Picture cutting is the most banal of starts. Buy every glam mag you see. Surround yourself with ephemeral and unobtainable beauty. Let your mind brood with resentment at the unscalable walls of the opposite sex. Make her every gesture and pout a call to arms. Move from pictures into 3D. Who says voodoo is a lost art? Reinvent it just for her. Burning the heads off your sisters’ Barbies was just a start (as were the incest games). Buy blow-up dolls and paste your love’s disjointed glam mag face on them. Yell and scream at the doll for ignoring you. Just remember to insert her name for “mommy” when doing the yelling. The process ends only when your ego is sublimated to the dubious approval of your chosen stalkee.
After so much time with yourself you may have some reservations about rejoining society. Start simple, buy a dog. It offers companionship, gotten from a pound it’s cheaper than a punching bag, and you can eventually train it for attack and retrieval. Work up to human interaction. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get too good. If you’d ever been any good at dealing with your fellow man you wouldn’t be reading this.
The groundwork laid other sticky issues may assault your conscious. Worry one: What if she tattles on you like that bitch Lizzy did in third grade? Grade school had recess monitors, adults have police. It’s mostly a semantic issue. You can deal with law enforcement by following one time-honored rule: police officers beat their kids. I know it may sound harsh but how else are they to prepare for things like WTO. A stalker with a sense of whimsy can use this to his advantage. Get to know your local sheriff. You will find his evening escapades eminently useful for blackmail and get much needed practice on quarry almost undoubtedly stupider than your actual object of affection.
For tailing practice you must get a bevy of chickens. I understand that the military industrial poultry complex has convinced the general populous chickens are mindless white flecked drones. But I have seen beneath the subtle blackness of their steely gaze into the depths of carnage. It’s a well known fact in some circles that the CIA and its predecessor organizations trained these malefic birds as first wave shock troops. In the Great War many an entrenched German learned to fear The Squawking of the Fowls. A wilier foe you shall not find. If you can learn to fool a chicken, you can fool anyone.
Cops and tracking handled you must approach her as the new you. Everything you’ve strived for will be encapsulated in that moment. If you’re lucky she’ll stare at you dumbfounded as you attempt to stutter out your name. That’s your invitation to go for second base. Who knows, your bravado may win her over. But probability is against you. Colleagues of mine say they dodge the spit but I think it’s a vital part of the ritual. Mostly it’s not so much her as the good samaritan chivalric types you have to watch for. But you didn’t start carrying mace, a hand taser, and caltrops for nothing.
The first meeting done you must give her a wide berth for a while. Two restraining orders distance is a good amount. Besides, with a 300x zoom lenses it’ll be just like standing next to her and you’d be surprised how much a stress ball feels like flesh only slightly rubbery (in fact if she’s had some work done the match will be almost exact). Phone calls are a good start for closer contact. Let yourself be intoxicated by the siren song of her hello. Granted your minotaur breathing might not have quite the same affect on her but after all this is about your needs for once.
The trash bin raid is a time honored stalker tactic. But it’s mere schoolyard bully’s play compared to the full sewage reconfigure. Redirecting an entire plumbing system in absolute secret takes a bit of work but as you shall learn it’s well worth the effort. You will become the proud owner not only of items that have touched her most intimate parts, but you will find in your possession actual biological by-product. Mounds of detritus that not only were a part of her very being but were refined by her precious body into the vile expurgations you hold in your sweaty little hands. Things bound to contain shards and strands of her actual DNA (see Appendix A: Cloning after you’ve used her up). Only the professional stalker knows the depth and power in the treasures of which I speak.
Tighten your sphere of influence. Relatives and close family members serve as excellent collateral. Of course that leaves the witness problem. Again some of my colleagues think Darth Vader is the way to go but why be so down. I prefer a friendly Casper. You should see the looks on their faces when I go boo. Guess the cartoon was pretty accurate. Genetic links are excellent sources of information about your dearest. A number of them will even share some of her physical features. Those are easily removed for your fondling pleasure.
Eventually all these games will be poor substitutes and you’ll have to swoop in and make her yours. How you go about that is up to you. Each of you has a method, each of you special. To tell you mine would lessen the unique nature of the hundreds of women I’ve adored. You’ll find your lucky star and follow it however deep the path may tread. Strive hard and fight convention. Nothing will ever be more true and beautiful than the phantoms of your own mind and that’s what stalking is really about. Good luck.