by Jack Haze
Tragedy struck the downtown area the night of Art Walk. A long-standing tree on 5th street was found lying down in the dirt.
It is not expected to live.
No tire tracks were found near the tree, nor were footprints, though foul play has not been ruled out by the authorities.
At the base of the downed tree, lying in the dirt, a banana peel was discovered.
Experts inform VN that, due to the level of brown to yellow on the peel, the banana had been there for several hours.
While there was a supermarket nearby, it is not known at this time if the banana originated there, or if it was procured from somewhere further away. Due to the breakdown of the oils on the banana skin, fingerprints were impossible to attain.
Stumped, local authorities have enlisted assistance from the EPA.
Special agent William Crowley, a long time veteran of the EPA, fallen tree division, found this particular case perplexing.
He checked with the neighbors, who, while some say they might have heard something, cannot be sure.
One witness, who refused to be named, said she “may have heard something like a crash,” but that was not out of the ordinary for the tree on a Saturday night, and all the witness did was yell, “Keep it down out there, eh?” She then went back to work.
The tree was described as a noisy neighbor, frequently causing problems with loud music, callers who would visit at all hours of night, and general rowdiness. Upon checking police records, it was found that, over the past three months alone, over 34 separate complaints had been filed against the tree by neighbors and business interests.
Due to this, the police have “many, many suspects to question” but few, if any, leads.
VN polled the man on the street only to find that most did not hear the tree fall, and argue arduously that, ergo, it did not fall.
A small minority described conspiracy theories of one sort or another, none of which are viewed with validity by the authorities, who refuse to look into them.
Business owners tended to chide the tree for irresponsibility, choosing to live in a paved area with poor drainage.
“We can’t help a tree that refuses to help itself,” said one. “If the tree wanted to make it in this city, it should have pulled itself up by its bootstraps, or roots, or whatever in the hell it has to pull up.”
“I personally feel trees in the city only encourage squirrels to come here and live off the system. Good riddance to it.”
Several local environmental groups are forming action committees and promise to boycott bananas, at least until the perpetrator is caught.
Activists tell us that those in the community interested in anti-banana, or as they prefer, pro-tree, actions can join a variety of just formed e-mail lists to discuss meetings and actions upcoming.
“All are welcome to join us in this effort,” said local activist SunRaisin, “as long as they don’t espouse anti-tree sentiments, or fall for the old ‘blame the tree’ syndrome.”
“Negativity in our community space will not be allowed. This is all about feeling free in our space to express our feelings; and those who prevent that are stifling freedom.”
“I know there are some who would say that freedom of speech means being able to say anything you want to. I like to think, however, that we in society can be a little more sensitive to the feelings of others and know when to stay silent.”
Local councilpeople argued for four hours in an emergency session last Monday where they discussed matters ranging from public safety and city liability, to the fact that the loss of this tree puts the city one tree under the amount needed to be a “tree city USA.”
While no decisions were made in the meeting, the council did resolve that a committee would be set up to study these problems, and that this committee be started with a budget of $335,000, a “barebones budget that will get the ball rolling.”
The budget issue will be re-addressed in two months time.
One council member, face flushed with anger, said, “Look, it’s simple, we either ban the sale of bananas within city limits, or prohibit trees. Probably both... that is, if this community really values its safety.”
The city already has a similar ban against mangos that was placed in the municipal code in 1978. The mango ban, however, is rarely enforced due to doubts that it could survive a court challenge.
A member of the community questioned the cities readiness to codify produce bans into law when they cannot be enforced, and accused the council of spinning its wheels just to show that it was doing something.
At this time, the council broke for an executive session so that it could meet with its attorney.
Thirty minutes later, community members who were still waiting out in the hall for the meeting to resume, realized that the whole council has slipped out the back door without formally closing the meeting.
A complaint was filed with the state citing improper meeting procedure, but the state told the complainants to “just take a number, sit down, and be patient.”
Many issues surrounding the tree are still in question. Was the tree complicit in its own demise? Did the tree slip on its own banana? Most accidents happen in the home. Was the tree drunk again?
Was this a clever art project?
We will never know.