"Click-it or ticket" It's official. I have become the world's youngest curmudgeon; ever since the state of Texas put that curmudgeonly ten year old to death late last year. It's true, I'm not half the curmudgeon the lad was; but goddamn, there's something to be said for still being here and kicking. As the little bastard (actually a moniker he insisted upon) said, "Sure, kill a ten year old. That'll show 'em. That's enough to jade an eight year old. Dumb Bastards." My path to the title became clear after it turned out that the challenger, Mr. Yoshi Hashiro of Japan, had lied about his age, and was, in fact, 74. If one more polite teenager calls me sir I shall dress him down. Such instances have begun to occur with alarming frequency in the last year. I can only blame society for this outrage. When I was a kid, we didn't call people sir. We didn't call people anything- it was the 80's- we just gave them a look that said, coldly, "who the hell are you and why are you here." And that was when we were being sociable. I can only assume that a wall of suspicion and a steady diet of Ritalin has affected today's youth. We have walled them into prisons that we call schools, force fed them drugs to make them learn, subjected them to surprise drug tests, teen cliques, school sports, weapon checks, and standardized testing. We have co-opted, merchandised, and sold back to them a safe teenage rebellion and angst. We made them listen to boy bands. We have broken their spirits. They are hollow shells. Now pundits are left to pontificate, about every six months or so, why they sometimes snap and go on Zoloft, Paxil, & Prozac drenched killing sprees. I say kids gotta be kids. Shit, when I first saw those planes fly into the Twin Towers, I thought it was a couple of teenagers trying to make a point about their awkward years and how no one loved them. The only thing that swayed me from that theory in those first few hours was the fact that the media failed to blame video games and goth bands. When I meet people who think the police will protect them, I laugh at them. They actually expect the government to take care of them. Fools. At least it makes them easy prey for social predators like myself, G.W. Bush, and Disney CEO Michael Eisner . Check it out: recently there was a nationwide crackdown on people who don't wear seat belts. The tv commercials said "Click-it or ticket- because we care." Oddly, this caring, as it so often manifests itself, happened to occur as tax revenue is down and states are running up major deficits. Big companies are stealing your money, paying no taxes, and getting caught committing fraud; then being awarded fat federal contracts as punishment. But the important thing is that you wear a seat belt- or you will be punished. What hypocrisy. Scams abound. You have to wear a seat belt- or you will be ticketed. You have to wear a helmet- or you will be ticketed. You have to have insurance- or you will be ticketed. Insurance is the greatest scam going. That's what it is, a scam. Instead of wiping it out, the government orders you to be a consumer and taxes the profit. That's putting the captive into captive market. Damn. I want a piece of that. Buy my book- or you will be ticketed. Insurance companies take your money and give you nothing in return. You're a walking dollar sign to them. If you get in a serious car accident, even if it is in no way your fault, they will fight tooth and nail never to pay off. Just like an HMO. No wonder they've forged a relationship with the government, who also take your money and give you nothing. If I wanted bombs, I'd buy them at a convenience store. No, wait, they don't allow that. You call that convenience? They give tax breaks to people for having kids- but those are the few services they offer- to people for their kids. And they aren't even good services. But they give the people with the kids the tax break- and charge the people without kids full price. You know, for those services. The ones they don't use. And if you get sick they don't even send you a card. Though in the future they may send you a ticket. Because they care. Never trust the government. They have very suspicious friends. I was once told that the reason the insurance law is so bad is that the insurance companies wrote the law. I was told this by the state insurance commissioner. The insurance companies wrote the law that said you had to have car insurance, and proscribed a penalty for failing to make that purchase. But there is no penalty when the insurance company violates that agreement and fails to pay off the policy. Get a good lawyer or get nothing. Never trust the government. They do such crazy shit- The Supreme Court ruled -years ago- that in death penalty cases, "an appeal of innocence is not a legal appeal" that means that if new evidence comes to light that proves you are innocent you can't use it. That's why you always hear about those guys who get convictions thrown out after 20 or 30 years, or sitting on death row for 15 years, on a technicality- when the DNA says they didn't do it. And the prosecutors always say they intend to file new charges and retry the case. They don't care about you. Last week, the Supreme Court said it's OK to beat a confession out of suspects- but that doesn't mean they can use it in court. Taken another way, you can't use a coerced confession in court- but that does not necessarily make it illegal to beat a confession out of you. Because they don't care about you. "Click-it or ticket" David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.