I like to watch A lot of people hate the sitting president so much they forget how bad it was before. Like the memory of most things past, Americans remember only what they want to remember- turning the past into a golden age that never was. Let’s be honest, the last president was also a very bad man. In fact, while I have been here, I have seen seven presidents come and go. All of them were bad men. It was only after retirement that Jimmy Carter became the friend of the poor, doing so as atonement for being such a bad president. If he were a little more observant he would have done what Nixon did- wait. The American people will forget. You’ll get a clean slate fifteen years later- as the presidents that come after you get worse and worse- giving you the illusion of comparative goodness without having to stoop to actually doing good. After all, who wants to be known as a goddamn troublesome do-gooder? Such people are the enemy of progress; we’re heading somewhere on this American highway, and damned if we let a do-gooder change our route. I have no proof that George W. Bush really exists. I have only seen him on tv. I have never seen ol’ Monkeyhead outside of television. I do have it on good authority that the George of old was a party type of guy. He loved to drink and snort Cocaine. He was a poor student. He rode the coattails of Monkeyhead Sr. (Head of the CIA) That's what kept him out of trouble all those years of drunk driving and going AWOL. When I see him on TV now, how am I to know if that is THE GW Monkeyhead and not one of his CIA doubles? I know those are his daughters, I see the classic monkeyhead behavior patterns. But this man they dress in the monkeysuit and present on TV- all I see is that he is a poor student. I am not convinced. I demand a DNA test. And a drug test. I try to watch as much tv as I can- because tv exists to let me know what advertisers want me to think. Without this information I am culturally lost. But I know Gary Coleman and Arnold Schwarzenegger exist. I’ve seen them on tv. They have experience. Either one has more than enough experience to govern California. Arnold will have a hell of fight anyway. As far as his opponents go, he has neither the respectability of Hustler's Larry Flynt nor the life experience of child star Gary Coleman. Though some hand wringers have been seen publicly wringing their hands over the idea, there is no need to worry about Arnold becoming president. He will have to be content with the title "governator" if he wins. As a foreign born citizen he can never be president. See, Americans have a dislike for foreigners as well as natives. Regardless, the governor's race is often called "the gubernatorial race," so whoever wins will inherit the title "Goober." It is hard to be a tough guy when folks call you Goober. There are some people who hate the idea that California is having an election at all. A recall election, they say, is wrong. And there are too many candidates from which to choose. Having too many candidates in an election is undemocratic. People will be confused. There are even people who decry the initiative process in general- because people are too stupid to govern themselves. I have often heard this sentiment from “the liberals” as well- whenever the tax cutting initiatives hit the ballot. Suddenly they start defending the system they said was broken the month before. Which is it- broken, or fixed? All you people, right and left, are confusing the stupid voters. Not me. I love the mess- I loved 2000. Now that was a great television event. Two candidates. Two candidates who agreed on more than they disagreed on. Two candidates with supporters they each gave lip service to... supporters who hated each other- like sport fans rooting for rival teams. I mean, they both play the same game the same way; but they wear different colors on their uniforms. So you can tell them apart more easily. (The liberals, by the way, are still kvetching and bitching about that election. I love it when they suggest the world trade center would still be there if Mr. let's-have-congressional-hearings-on-the-evils-of-rock'n'roll had been elected, er, I mean inaugurated... Yeah, he would’ve protected those civil liberties. Just close your eyes and keep repeating...) I loved the protests back them. I loved the protesters in Florida, the ones in business suits who were blocking election office doors and chanting slogans like “Stop the Recount!” “Stop the Recount!” “Dear god in heaven, counting votes is undemocratic!” See, no matter what they say, everyone loves the right to protest when they're the ones who want to do it. I bet none of those guys are in Iraq right now. We are, by the way, still in Iraq. (And iRaq is still not a product of Apple computer.) I watched the “war” on tv- so I would know what the advertisers want me to think of it; and I'm wondering, it's not actually a “war” right? Congress didn't actually declare a “war” right? This is just another “police action.” Like the Rodney King beating. Because if it was a “war” and it was tied up with the world trade center and terrorism, as president monkeyhead claims, all those “enemy combatants” would become “POWs” and then they would be entitled to the rights guaranteed all POWs under the Geneva Convention. And he wouldn't want that. It would make everything so messy. OUR soldiers actually might expect the Geneva Convention to protect them if captured. But they probably shouldn’t count on it; what with our president monkeyhead thumbing his nose at international law, picking and choosing what he will accept like a spoiled son of a powerful government bureaucrat. By the way, Monkeyhead “supports the troops” so much his party will cut veterans benefits. That's right. He'll do that to them even as they fight and die in his “war.” As always, Keep those flags waving! David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.