War, What is it good for? A lot of people say war is good for the economy. That may be true. Whether it’s true for modern war remains in question. Traditionally war is also good for producing popular television sit-coms as well. You give it about twenty years or so and the pain and trauma of war are turned into the feel good shenanigans of Hogan’s Heroes and MASH. What the sit-coms from our wars will look like remains to be seen; but I can’t wait. I’m hashing out ideas while I sit here on the floor. I know what your saying, “I love war comedy Dave, but where’s your furniture?” I remind you that there’s a war on. I sent it all to the troops. I heard they needed the support. People are sending all their chairs and couches to the troops. All the real Americans, that is. The ones that really care. The rest of you are thumbing your noses at reason. I know you cynics are saying they just take all that stuff to the landfill- that it’s all just for our morale at home; or that the furniture is actually a burden to the troops. Having to carry around all that plush seating. It loads the humvees down. I say it doesn’t matter a whit. It support the troops. Maybe if they have better seating this time, then it won’t be like Vietnam. And it will stimulate the economy as you try to replace all that hard to find rationed plush furniture. It’s a perpetual war, terrorism, like the one on poverty and drugs. Like those other wars, it will take time. So don’t get your hopes up about better seating anytime soon. War has really changed since World War II. Back then they had to ration and go without, sacrifice; today you’re expected to buy a hot tub for your country. Today your patriotic duty is to live beyond your means. Better get the big one. War. It’s good for the economy they say; it sells American flags. They’re made in China, but still, business is business. I question all the proposed laws against burning or desecrating the flag. That’s bad for business; ergo it is un-American. Think of it: every flag burned is product moved. Flag burning should be encouraged. That’s good business. Otherwise, flags would have to be manufactured to wear out sooner. Or the design would have to change seasonally to encourage sales. Only a traitor waves last years flag. Displaying an old flag from the back of your pickup truck? Prepare to be pulled over and ticketed. It’s all about your safety. Security. You’re either with us or against us. Remember, America is about shopping and turning in your neighbor. It has always been this way. The president imparted two messages after the twin towers fell: Keep traveling and shopping, and report suspicious activity. Soon the news media joined in. They started telling me about many things I needed to buy. It seems my old toothbrush is not doing an adequate and hygienic job. There have been technological breakthroughs in the field of personal hygiene and I am being left behind. How can anyone love me; I live in the filthy world of yesterday; and there is something in my house that could kill me. I hope I can avoid it by sheer happenstance until they reveal the deadly danger on the news at eleven. Still, there is the hope of stability. We do not hope for peace, as the starry eyed utopians, but stability- the utopia of the hard hearted realist. There was a new Mayor in Baghdad not too long ago. He said he was appointed by a coalition of clerics and businessmen. Could this be stability? The Bush administration says no way. Bush says in order to be the legitimate leader of a free and democratic country you need to be appointed by the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court is chosen to please a coalition of clerics and businessmen who fund the leader of a free and democratic country. Get with the program. The new taste sensation will be Islamic Soft Drinks (do not mix with alcohol, please). Recently Europe has been awash with a trinity of Islamic inspired thirst quenchers, including: Mecca Cola, Moslem Up, and Qibla Cola. Says Moslem Up: "We consider our products as an alternative to a wide category of consumers over the world, who took the decision to boycott all the Zionist products and the U.S.A trademarks." If these soda upstarts actually "steal" market share from the big boys I fear we will be thrust again into war. It will be necessary. Moslems must be free to choose between Coke or Pepsi. War! Ah, the smell of syrup in the morning. The Pepsi generation is ready for a fight. Will we leave the field scattered with paper cups and bottle-caps with "sorry, not a winner" imprinted under them? We may have no choice. David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.