Strip Mine Montana for Porn Call it senseless rape of scenic wilderness or a disturbing outrage against children, but many prominent Corporate-Americans call it as they see it: a potential profit stream of massive proportion. The business that has Wall Street observers all agog in anticipation? The strip mining of rural Montana for kiddie porn. It’s never been done before; however, a chance discovery by a lone geologist studying Montana’s wild hinterlands has led to a big business bonanza. While few have heard of it, soon it will be everywhere: billboards, magazines, direct e-mail marketing. You’ll see it when you close your eyes to sleep, thanks to REM broadcasting towers developed by MicroSoft. Who is backing "Project Montana?" Two of the biggest are Jack M. Greenberg, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of McDonalds Corporation and Jack Valenti , president & CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Together, these two Jacks are off on a mission: to come together on a deal with a big bottom line. "This business is a natural for McDonalds Corp," says Greenberg. "Roy, our founder, loved children; and we on the board today look upon this strip mining as just a natural extension of our corporate mission. We stand to make a killing. And even if our new happy meals for adults should fail- like, say, the McLean DeLuxe, we will still profit from licensing and residuals all over the world." Fast Food and the movie industry often work together to ensure full exposure. For his part, Valenti says, "The motion picture industry as a whole has no choice but to back this new revenue stream. Every studio is, today, on the verge of total financial collapse. Piracy, television, video tape, and DVD have taken us to the very brink. Think of it: today, any commoner can purchase a tape or disk for a flat fee, and watch it over and over- never paying us another penny for subsequent viewings! It's outrageous. Courts have gone so far as to back the viewers right to home tape- and when we make new digital equipment to prevent it, people either don't buy it or tamper with it so they can do what they did with analog and the courts blessing. The Consumers, every one of which is a pirate and a criminal , give us no choice but to get into the kiddie porn business to try and save our industry. We have tried lawsuits. We alone, The Music and Movie industry, in the history of America, have had the guts and the determination to sue our customer base to increase our profits. We have led the way in billing innovations. We have lobbied for the death penalty in copyright infringement cases; but it is not enough. The money that comes in to our offices from all these revenue streams: fines, judgments, penalties, bribes; these funds pale in comparison to what we could be making. Comparatively, we are on the verge of financial collapse. Therefore, if we have to destroy all of Montana by strip mining it for this natural resource, that is what the consumer forces us to do. We fulfill needs and we expect to be paid for it. I only hope it is not too little, too late." In related news, it seems your local power brokers (PG&E, Seattle Power & Light, etc.) will no longer strip mine for coal. To appease environmentalists, and to avoid competition with the food and movie industry, they will now produce coal by photographing young children in indecent poses. When asked to explain how this is possible, a spokesperson for PGE said, "that is a trade secret. But rest assured we can do it. We will have to raise rates to cover our R&D costs, but thank god for privatization and the innovation in technology and billing practices it provides." Meanwhile, singer and cause-head Bono has taken up the fight. He has called upon his personal contacts in the US government to implore them to pass legislation that would "put sane controls over the actions of corporate interests." "It is imperative that reforms be made. We can save this land- this wild Montana- from strip mining to produce porn that, I remind you, is currently illegal under US law- even if it was formed by chance through hundreds of thousands of years of sediment action. I implore you- save Montana for the children. The pennies that we collect from children and celebrities cannot challenge the money available for R&D from the big capitalists; but one day, it is our hope that we will have the technology at hand to use Montana's unspoiled wild lands for what they were meant for- to strip mine to produce world peace. But we can only strip mine these lands for good in the future if they are still there unspoiled and ready for strip mining. The choice is yours. Remember the children and consult you consciences." - Your pal, Bono David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.