Web of Lies Charlotte's Web, both in book and cartoon form, has been hard at work confusing young hearts and minds. What is the message of this book after all? What's the web say? "Some Pig?" Damn, the spiders smart. The spider can write. The spider is a genius. SAVE THE SPIDER. The pig is sitting in the pen wallowing in its own self-pity. The rat is out on the fairgrounds eating hot dogs- made from pigs- so who's side is he on? The spider writes messages in English- cogent, articulate messages, and the townspeople praise the pig. So typical of human politics, the people who do the work get jack. All praise goes to the pig. You'd think they'd at least be a little concerned. "The spider has a better grasp of English than most college football players.” At least there should be a press conference. "Spiders have developed intelligence. It cannot be stopped. Please, do not panic. Return to your homes and await the end." Some say the book is a remnant of a bygone era; a paean to the family farm and a world without “stranger danger.” Before factory farms drew the ire of both activists and those with sensitive noses and nearby property value interests. You want cheap meat after all, just not in your back yard. Factory farms overuse antibiotics and cram as many animals in a small space as they can, causing a waste production problem; sure. But I don't understand, ultimately, how Family Farms are less cruel to animals. I mean the goal at the end is the same. - “These pork chops are from a family farm. They run free, playing, forming friendships with rats and spiders; then we kill them in a humane fashion... Just like grampa.” Throw the pig a gun. It'll be self-defense. - "Eat your pork chop. Stop crying. He had a gun! I was cleared by a coroner's inquest! Just like a cop. Eat your damn pork chop!" - "That's not what the spider said!" - "To hell with the spider! The spider has a left-wing bleeding-heart agenda! Who do you believe, boy; your daddy or a dirty pinko commie eight-legged freak? Eat your pork chop. I gotta go slop the hogs with tetracycline enriched slop. That pork chop better be gone when I get back; and I don’t mean feed it to the rat." Now people are worried about their food. Mercury in the fish. Salmonella in the chicken and on the counter. Antibiotics everywhere breeding races of super germs. People telling me I have to wash my fruit; preferably in the new fruit wash system that is available at stores everywhere. And now the cow- Prions- a mutant protein- you can't cook it out, it's madness! The governor held an emergency press conference to inform the citizenry that he was having beef for Christmas dinner. Beef! The governor is having Beef! For consumer confidence. To save Christmas. “I will be having Beef!” he bellowed. “I will feed it to my family for Christmas, as is my tradition,” he added with a hint of madness in his voice. Commentators followed the speech on radio and tv in roundtable sessions where they all gave their unflinching support to Beef. They will be having beef, just like all God fearing patriots will. It’s what’s for dinner. “Not to eat Beef is to destroy the economy and the American way of life” economists remind us, in rebuttal. Beef- the Jews and Arabs were right some say; they were just slightly off- not pork- Beef! Beef is unclean. But it took thousands of years to see the light, 20/20 hindsight being what it is. I will not say a foul word about Boeuf, as they say it in the original French; English being a vulgarization of German and Latin (the Latin by the way of French). I am not mad! I do not eat meat or dairy, but I realize the undeniable truth; the unpleasantness that you people must all face- but instead choose to hide from with your blind acceptance of animal rights and erroneous readings of Charlotte's Web. There are too many cows. Too. Many. Cows. The rainforests are being burned to make way for grazing of cows. Man has overbred the cow. Cows are smart. Never underestimate the cow; there are reasons they are worshiped in India; where the language is pre-Germanic, and if you go back far enough- dare I say- Cow? The cows have been plotting against man for a long time. Filling them up with cholesterol and fat, slowing them down, all the while ingeniously sacrificing large numbers of their own in order to allay suspicion. The rainforests are being leveled to make way for grazing for cattle. Coincidence? You are a fool. Even if all stopped eating cows, as I did long ago, the cows will still need to be thinned out. Drastically. Cow killing. The inescapable future. Get to it! Lobsters and sometimes crabs are the only animals in the supermarket or restaurant left alive; claws bound, in a water-filled cage. “I'm innocent, innocent. I didn't do it... Is there a call from the governor? He endorses Beef! You people are traitors! It's all right fellas, I got me a plan.” The waitress at the Red Lobster says it’s all right. The Lobsters have no solidarity. They trample each other in the cage. “They eat each other,” she intones. “Cannibals.” Yet they bound them, cage them, and don’t feed them. What would the waitress do if caged with the rest of the waitresses and the hostess under these same conditions? These are the things I like to think about. That’s why I’m no longer allowed in the Red Lobster. Supermarkets don't keep live pigs in a pen over by the bread. So you could select your own sow. But they should. That market would earn the title “super.” I'll take the little one with the pink nose. He’s some pig. David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.