WOP- World Of Publishing Welcome to the world of publishing. WOP for short. Wop is also a racial epitaph, but don’t let that bother you. I’m reconditioning it. I’ll try to do the same with all of them; though some will be harder than others. Besides, it’s the funniest racial epitaph going. Why? Because it’s also the only racial epitaph that moonlights as a comic book action sound. “Whop!” That’s the sound of a frying pan smacking into an advertiser’s face. To be fair, an evil advertiser. I have edited several of what they call “small” “alternative” or “literary” publications. When you consider how many people in this country still read you begin to approach the futility of that vocation. Publishing is a thankless job. But what are you going to do? If you harbor the ambition, here’s what it takes to get out a publication: First you have to find a printer. The phonebook is often little help. This is due to the fact that when you look up “printing” in the yellow pages you will find pages of listings for places where you can get photocopies. You don’t want photocopies. You want what is called a web press; a newspaper press that can print your project in either newspaper or magazine format. It’s also a lot cheaper that way, per copy. But if you ask the people at the copy places about that they will give you a wall of silence; because they don’t have the slightest idea what you are talking about. So you call other papers and you find out who prints them. Usually some small newspaper. Then you are faced with the question that all small publishers are faced with: who pays for this thing? There are two traditional ways: the advertiser or the reader. Both paths are wrought with deadly pitfalls. If the reader pays, how do you get the publication in the readers hands? How do you separate the reader from his money? Well, sucker, you and your friends are going to go to stores and negotiate with each and every one of them to take your paper. If you do consignments (I’ll pay ya later), prepare to get ripped off. You could sell subscriptions, but to do this people must know who you are. They must already be readers of your paper; a chicken and egg dilemma. So, you say, what about selling ads and giving away the pub for free? Well, everyone loves free. And free newsprint is great. It starts fires. It sops up grease. It’s easy to distribute. But then, my friend, you have to deal with advertisers. And advertisers, if you were paying attention, are evil. So evil they must be whopped in the head with frying pans. Evil, evil, evil. Let me tell you about advertisers: If you go to them before you publish they will love you. “That’s just what this town needs!” they will exclaim. But watch out. When you ask them for money they will say things like, “I’d like to advertise, but I think I’ll wait around a few months to see if you’re still coming out.” Then, if you are a persistent bastard, as I am, your paper will survive and you’ll come back. Then they will say something like, “I’d like to support the alternative press, but your prices are so high (though far cheaper than the non-alternative press). How about giving me a full page color ad for $20? That’s when you say the magic word. “No.” Why? Because that isn’t them supporting the alternative press. That’s the alternative press supporting them. And you don’t want to go there. Because if you give them a deal like that you will never get your actual price out of them. Never. Not even anything close. Stick with your real friends in life. Dirty book stores and militias. Now, sometimes you will be late. This is the time when people panic. Relax. Just tell everyone something like this: “Thank you for your kind interest in Vision? Nary! magazine. Many readers do not have firsthand knowledge about the publishing game, so allow me to fill you in on some of the specifics. Each issue is carefully vine-ripened and handpicked before they are gathered together and shipped in bundles to local pubs, eateries, organic rose bush depositories, and other social gathering places. Rest assured, each issue constitutes the labor and sweat of a multitude of ill-paid and worse treated employees toiling away in sweatshop-style work camps. Absent corporate “cubicles” our writers are led to believe that they are free and producing at will in an open environment. Nothing could be further from the truth. We constantly spy on each and every contributor, utilizing informants, audio bugging, cameras, and two-way mirrors. When deadlines are missed we resort to punitive physical punishment, sometimes mischaracterized by “human rights observers” as “torture.” This is what allows the magazine to keep coming out at those low, low prices to which you've become accustomed. As of late we've developed some difficulties with our production team. As you may have noticed, the last issue, in addition to being rather skimpy, suffered from certain irregularities. In particular, each issue was slightly different- while one copy called for an armed revolution immediately- the one directly underneath it advised people to be happy in their slavery, and the next gave instructions on how to build a hot tub deck. And so it was from bundled a bundle, outlet to outlet. You will no doubt be happy to hear that we've taken measures to rectify this situation now- before it becomes worse. As Roy Kroc, founder of McDonalds, said many times, “No deviation from the standard is acceptable.” Already our office is awash in random beatings, firings, threats of layoff, and the like. We have even applied to have our local taxes subsidized through an increase in utility bills to the rest of the community, just like other respected corporate neighbors like RJ Reynolds/Nabisco/Miller and WalMart do already all over this great nation. Regardless of the outcome of this ploy, we eventually intend to move all our operations overseas to save on overhead. Therefore, be at ease. The next issue will come to you soon at the same bargain price to which you have become accustomed. Yours in servitude, VN ombudsman” It’s close enough to the truth. David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. 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