Know Your Rights! I have long considered it a shame that people don’t know their rights. Most people just know what they’ve managed to pick up on TV from various cop shows. Unfortunately, you learn all the wrong things there: I tell you, cops are always right; judges are always fair; and defense attorneys are really competent, even the court appointed ones. The truth is you get the justice you deserve, so you’d better know your rights. At least that way you can be a pain in the ass. There is nothing quite as thrilling as one-upping a judge on proper court procedure, constitutional point, or precedent. It’s even worth the rubber hose beating from the goons he’ll send to your house to exact retribution later. Just be sure you don’t let them in the house without a warrant. They may be cops- but they have no right to be in your house beating you without a warrant. They can do it just as well in the front yard. Now, when you look through the amendments, doubtlessly you will see some that are not as familiar as others. They can’t all be quotable quotables after all; some are just boring matters of procedure. Don’t worry- they will be there when you need them. Until then, you can put them out of your mind, just like the judge does. It may seem to some that a few of the amendments are contradictory, such as twelve and nineteen, or one and fifteen. Don’t worry. This is the type of thing that the courts are there for- to judge on a case by case basis. Relax! When you know your rights, you’re protected. The First Ten- The Bill of Rights The First Amendment Congress shall make no law respecting establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech or the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for the redress of grievances. Unless in time of war or to protect the greater health of the state. The Second Amendment You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. The Third Amendment You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you, of varying quality; you have the right to appeal only what your original attorney has brought up in your first trial. All other evidence or motions will be disallowed. You will be considered guilty until you prove your innocence through proper court procedure. The Fourth Amendment The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. The Fifth Amendment The right to Privacy. Private property rights shall not be abridged for public use. The Sixth Amendment Thou Shalt not Kill. Unless authorized by the state or the court. The Seventh Amendment Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be converted or transferred from one form to another, and then only from hot to cold- not vice-versa. This is known as “perpetual revolution.” The Eighth Amendment In a closed system, potential energy will always be less than what existed in the initial state. This is commonly referred to as “entropy.” The Ninth Amendment If the thermal energy of molecules (kinetic energy) is removed, a state of absolute zero will result. The universe will reach absolute zero (0 degrees Kelvin or -273.15 Celsius) when all energy and matter is randomly distributed; but America First! This is commonly referred to as the “Free market system” The Tenth Amendment The Right to work. Without the interference of unions. This is to better support the free market system and lead to a greater state of entropy. The Others- The later, lesser, amendments Eleven The right to a beverage of your choice, Coke or Pepsi, as long as you have the means to pay the tab. Twelve The right to smoke; and by evoking this right, you affirm a social contract that you, your heirs, or assigns will not hinder tobacco companies in their pursuit of continued profit. Thirteen The right to party. So long as you are willing to fight for it. Fourteen Corporations are people. In fact they are better than average people, and will be afforded special rights. Fifteen The right to drive; so that you may drive to and from your place(s) of work and your choice of place of worship mandated by your state or province. Sixteen The right to shop at Walmart or other discount stores for cheap plastic things made in China, by slave labor, stamped “Made in USA.” Seventeen The right to attend mandatory morning motivational meetings at your workplace. Eighteen The right to pay to park. Nineteen No smoking. Twenty The right of return. Store purchases may be returned for store credit only at store branches in Israel, and only if you are not Palestinian. Twenty One Eighteen year olds shall have the right to vote for the democrat or republican of their choice, to join the military branch of their choosing for at least four years, to smoke, to play state lottery games, to star in pornographic films, but not to drink alcoholic beverages. Twenty Two The traditional office of Court Jester is hereby abolished. Joking will earn you a prison sentence of five to ten. Landmark Court Decisions A lot of people don’t know Jack about the system, yet they are just so eager to denounce it. What we call justice in this country is built on the back of many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years of progress; where we have come up with the best of the past and the present through a system of experimentation and trial and error. When you walk into a court building you can feel the past at your back, following you, waiting. It was just this feeling that led a recent prominent politician to say, “We have the best system of American justice in the world.” And how can you argue with that? Courts in America make decisions every day. And higher courts correct lower courts. And higher courts than that strike the corrections. And so on. It is a meticulous and planned out system. A marvel of human reasoning. Let’s get to know it. Perhaps we will begin by looking at the Comstock law, which banned books in the US. In the first forty years, the Comstock law resulted in the destruction of 120 tons of disreputable literature. And you thought the government was staffed by do-nothings! The Comstock law remains on the books today (U.S.C. §1462) though it no longer applies to writing about birth control. Since it is the job of the courts to review and reject unconstitutional law, we must assume that, given over 100 years to review this one, it has been proven to be American as apple pie. Indeed, it’s the great grand-daddy to the “communications decency act” and the like, so we fail to see why the brouhaha about anti-speech laws. We’ve always had them. It’s enough to call into doubt the Americanism of anyone who says otherwise. Now, a lot of people out there know that all speech is not free, and few out there believe free speech means being able to say whatever you want. Many have heard the popular quote about not having “the right to yell ‘fire’ in a crowded movie house.” A few people even know that it was Supreme Court Justice Oliver W. Holmes who said it. Now, the context of that quote was that it was in regard to a decision about whether or not it was legal to jail those who spoke out against America’s involvement in World War I. Thus, to counter the war effort was to excite the crowd in the theater, and the court ruled that the jailing of such dissidents was both legal and necessary for the well being of the country- a precedent with far reaching implications- clearly notable, as you still hear Holmes’ quote so often in relation to where the limit to free speech lies. Now, recently we have seen a lot of hand wringing about the supposed fairness of the death penalty in this country. Of course, these are serious matters that must have their day in court. Just a few years ago, a federal appeals court made a ruling on this matter that has proven to be of great importance to the appeals of those on death row and their supporters. The court ruled that while a defendant may be “factually innocent,” “innocence alone is not sufficient to grant federal relief.” So at last we Americans can breathe free, secure in the knowledge that the courts are hard at work and that the innocent and the guilty are still guaranteed their day in court. David Raffin is the editor of Vision? Nary! magazine. A writer and a performer, he may be contacted though his home page. This column is available by email. If you are interested in running this column as a regular feature in your publication, contact here.