VN AfterTaste

By David Raffin

Because of our modern dependence on oil, transportation is a sticky subject. Everything becomes mired in it. It jams up the thoroughfares of rational discourse.
Bicycles are better.

The Wright brothers were bicycle mechanics. In this light it is only proper to describe airplanes as bicycles in the sky. That is why the first airplanes were biplanes.
Airplanes are actually my least favorite form of bicycle and biplanes are my favorite form of airplane. (I do not count the pedal-powered dirigible. It has a special, but separate, place in my heart.)

It is a travesty that they will not let you use a biplane in the Tour de France. They say you can’t use an airplane in the bicycle race. Luddites.

I personally make extensive use of a bicycle when traveling between and betwixt points on a map. While I do this, I never wear any form of spandex shorts. I do not even own a pair of spandex shorts. I similarly do not spend any time thinking about Lance Armstrong. What he is thinking, feeling, wearing. He never crosses my mind. I’m too busy making calculations regarding wind resistance.

It turns out that the more you ride the faster you get. Wind resistance slows you down but can be overcome through hours and hours of practice. This is not, though most would argue, due to the fact that you become stronger through repeated wheel-assisted-wayfaring. No. It is due to the fact that all those hours spent on the road lead you inextricably to what every experienced bicyclist knows: the quickest way to travel from point A to point B is not to travel faster. It is not accomplished by building stronger muscles, by having lighter bicycles, by your choice in clothing. No. The quickest way to bicycle from point A to point B is by bending the two points in space/time so that they are closer together. Every experienced bicyclist comes to know this fact, given enough time on the road (1).

Yet they don’t allow you to bend space/time on the Tour de France. When asked they refer to this as “cheating.” Luddites. They hate science!

The airplane was invented as an extension of the bicycle. Built from bicycle parts by bicycle mechanics in a bicycle shop.
However, it was primarily built because Orville was a good brother.

Orville and Wilbur Wright were brothers who were bicycle mechanics. Wilbur was suicidal. He suffered from a great sadness in addition to a love of the bicycle. His brother, Orville, was very supportive. Together they invented the airplane in order to give Wilber the ability to jump from a great height (2). The airplane was invented primarily for this purpose.
In fact, the first airplane was originally called “the suicide machine.” The name didn’t last because of marketing considerations. It is a very bad name for advertising purposes.

Wilber’s primary concern was that he felt he needed to attain a great height. Something sure. Thus the need to build a very good bicycle. Even if it was only for one use.
So they set to work. There were failures. Mostly failures. But they kept working. They made refinements. They had some successes. Then, Kitty Hawk. Yet, it was still not right. More refinements were made. The sky bicycle was able to go farther and more importantly go higher. They worked ceaselessly. Even when the press became interested they did not publicize the true nature of the machine. Nor did they feel the need to impress upon the public that this was a new type of bicycle, which should have been self-evident.
At last the Wright brothers sky bicycle was ready and was going to be used for its inaugural flight.
Then some ass invented the parachute.
All that work for naught.

Wilber eventually died of tuberculosis in 1912; but he was going to jump from an airplane (3).

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1) The scientific basis behind this was first explained in a paper written in 1969 by radical physicist Benny Hill. Most famously the paper contained his theory that time slowed down while being chased by bikini-clad women; however, from the vantage point of the viewer, time spent up. In the footnotes of the paper there was grateful acknowledgment of the work of Charles Chaplin regarding sadness and laughter; specifically the space/time relationship bridging the gap between these two points.

2) It is true he could have jumped from a hot air balloon. It is clear he would never do so as he was a bicyclist.

3) In 1976 an American woman named Jessica Rae went up in an airplane in order to jump from it recreationally. She exited the sky bicycle at an altitude of 102,800 feet. When she pulled the cord her chute failed to deploy. She fell freely. She landed. She bounced three times. She got up. Not a scratch. Not a bruise. No broken bones. This is the danger Wilbur feared even at great heights.
The arrogance this breeds in the average person is immense. The first thing Jessica Rae did upon meeting the crew who came to the site of her landing was dare some man to do it.
He was not so fortunate.