VN AfterTaste

by David Raffin

I struggle with how to describe our processes to the inevitable alien visitors. Someday you’ll be happy I put the time in. So far I have come up with: “The tears of children are used to lubricate the machinery.” I think this will work as a universal statement.

If I then have to explain the Republican party primary system, I’m going with: “The Republican primaries are essentially a popularity contest for unpopular ideas.” They could say any crazy thing. We have developed a system where crazy sells. We enjoy entertainment.

There will be a jobs plan. It will involve setting up factories on one side of the nation that manufacture mirrors. On the other side of the country factories will be built that manufacture smoke. We already have the smoke factories, so really what will be proposed is a system of incentives wherein private businesses will be encouraged to manufacture mirrors by eliminating all corporate taxes on companies that make mirrors or reflective objects and also paying out to them a refund on the taxes they do not pay. It will also be alright if they set up their factories overseas. In fact, it will be encouraged. That way, we like to think we are encouraging others to take a good hard look at themselves. It goes without saying that all clean air regulation will be repealed, lest we not have enough smoke to reflect on domestic mirrors.

Think of the hopeful candidates, each one, as one half of a two man comedy team. In the end the winner will choose a running mate, who will be carefully chosen for his or her qualities. It will likely be one of the other primary hopefuls. However, one serious problem that has developed in the system, as it has broken down over time, is that all the candidates want to be the straight man on the team. No one wants to be the comedian. Every one of them loudly proclaims, “I’m the straight man!” “Vote for me, “I’m the straight man!” Every time one of them proclaims this the others clamor in, “You can’t be the straight man! I’m the straight man.” They say it with all seriousness. They insist on it. They do their best to play it straight. In groups, each starts his presentation by saying, “Speaking as the straight man here…” Each just desperate to be the straight man. This mixture of surety and desperation is an inadvertent comedy. It has to be. True comedians, employing wit, have not been allowed to campaign in generations. They can’t get past the primary system. That is what the system is for– weeding out non-straight men.

Straight lines, in isolation, are often aggravating to listen to because they make no damn sense, have no real payoff. That is why candidate speeches have many of the qualities of a joke, yet people do not often laugh.
Newt Gingrich is nostalgic for child labor, on the record, and also he loves trains. And tying women in distress to the railroad tracks. He promises, if elected, he will grow a thin mustache he can twirl. It is important to point out that he is not joking.

Each candidate reveres the cartoon figure of Ronald Reagan and acts accordingly. First, they give honors to the name of Ronald Reagan. Secondly, they try to conduct themselves as they picture his cartoon image behaving. The best thing about Ron Paul is when he chases a roadrunner off a cliff and then stands there, in mid air, his legs spinning in place, not falling, until he looks down. Then he plummets.
The candidates take turns running into a painting of a tunnel on the side of a stone mountain. If they fall down that’s slapstick, they are disqualified. They say Reagan could have done it. This is true. Unfortunately, successfully running into stone walls at full speed was his only skill.

Rick Santorum said, “Number one, graduate from high school. Number two, get married. Before you have children. What does that mean to a society if everybody did that? What that would mean is that poverty would be no more.” Because no one with a high school diploma and a family is wanting for a job. He is a master magician. His big finish is when he saws a poor person in half. He says he’s creating employment opportunities that didn’t exist prior to his act. He’s a job creator. And he goes through so many. “People die in America because people die in America,” Santorum said. “And people make poor decisions with respect to their health and their healthcare.” Like voting Republican.

I’ve checked the closet of each candidate. They are filled with corpses. I have come too early.